Dated: March 3rd 2014
Since David's file was so old, we had to submit an official request for more information. We thankfully received an extension on the file pending new medical records and tests. We really just couldn't make a decision with the huge holes that were present with his information. GWCA graciously agreed to petition to the Bridge of Hope foundation to update his file... and the waiting begins..
How am I doing?
I am Surviving with grace for the time being. I feel like I am being prepared to "let-go." I have a peace about "letting go" even if that means sending his file back, or running full speed off the cliff. I almost think the Lord was letting me start the grieving (as in death to my flesh) process a little early...a present actually. It was a grace to see a little bit of my flesh start to die, as this whole process becomes more real. I recognize that there will be submission and sanctification in ways I never dreamed possible, and I got to see a glimpse of that 2 weeks ago. I cried, I struggled, but 2 weeks later, I am surviving with those same thoughts and I don't find myself crippled with fear and doubt, but rather peace and patience and a greater understanding of what walking out our "calling" looks like, and a knowledge of God's ability to sustain even when it seems like you aren't going to "make it." I want to "know" more as soon as possible so we can make a decision. But I think my clarity on the circumstance is better. My emotions are settling and my ability to hear the Lord has improved. I will "make it" another day through the grace of God alone :)
Whether or not David was meant to come and join us, practically, I don't know at this point, but I do know that the Lord has placed a heavy burden on my heart for this precious little boy, and I am committed to praying for him, and fighting for him in any way I can, even if it is just in writing many letters to China to get as much information in his file as possible for now. If at the end of this process we have to give his file back, I will still pray for him as he is imprinted on my heart, and pray for the hope of him finding a forever family. I think I am starting to see that this isn't an all or nothing game...but that is hard for me, as I tend to be extreme ;) I also tend to want to solve everyone's problems...and there are a lot of orphans, and I cannot adopt them all...after all, it wouldn't be fair to all the other people who share this burden :)
I am so grateful for everyone's prayers. It has been immensely helpful to know that the Lord is before us and knows our needs even better than we do. After all life has brought our way, I am super thankful for this current journey. It has been so wonderful to be stripped and raw in ways I never could have imagined, and rebuilt with a much clearer vision of what this life is all about....and it has only just begun. :) We look forward to seeing how this ride will continue. :)
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