Circles

Sorry it has been awhile.  We have been busy.  I started my job in July, and Jonathan has been traveling which has left little time for fun things like writing blog posts, after all, I am much better at verbal vomit, then collected written words.  I think I realize how ridiculous I sound when I have to try to write out our life on paper...and I am terrible with checking grammar and spelling...

How are we doing?

This is a question we get a lot these days, along with "how is the adoption going?

We are struggling, and it is frustrating and hard.  In fact, most of life right now is frustrating and hard, and we are struggling.

I wish I could tell you we were riding on the mountain top of the divine "yes," but we aren't.  Life, or shall I say, chaos has taken hold, and it has been a wild ride.

Managing working extra full time hours, while finalizing paperwork for the adoption, dealing with Jonathan traveling, our 2 boys at home (who are very cute, but a handful,) and trying to keep a handle on where I left my sanity last...one could argue, I have too full of a plate right now.  I am forgetting things I would never normally forget, completely sleep deprived, struggling with keeping my patience, and have times where I don't even recognize myself with things I am saying, or thoughts that are running through my head.

First, my job happened.  Well, things are never as they seem and my job is not exception.  I took the job being offered, and it turns out I have a job I probably never would have said yes to if I had known the full extent of what "yes" was really going to be...

For those of you who are all caught up on our story, this seems to be a common thread for us. We tend to need the hidden "scary" facts to remain hidden in order to lure us to a place we would never go if we had had the full knowledge.  I don't admit that proudly, as I think it speaks volumes to the comfort driven nature I have. The ultimate lurking desire, that life would just be "easy" is a struggle, and if faced with the full extent of turmoil from the start, I would inevitably say "no."  

My paid job right now consists of lots of figurative "tourniquets" being placed.  Each day there seems to be a new area that needs immediate attention.  The work has been exhausting, as it is never put to rest.  No matter how many hours I put in, my tasks are never complete, and I find it dis-heartening.  I really struggle when we can't "fix" a problem quickly...and none of the problems can be fixed quickly.  I need to be able to check things of the list, or I start to feel useless.. so I am feeling overwhelmed, over-worked, and like I am not making progress with my job duties...

Withe the redoing of paperwork, and seeming circles we are in with the dossier submission, it kind of feels we aren't making progress...

Jonathan's travel and work schedule have been pretty intense lately... This has left me as a full time mommy, lots of weeks by myself...full time paperwork filler outer, and full time working lady... and none of it seems to be going well... so I feel like no progress is happening..

I know this is starting to sound like a pathetic complaining post, but it is where I am.. so just deal with it for a few more paragraphs and then I will move on, I promise. :)

We have also had lots of fund surprises... like getting to redo paperwork we already did, notarized, etc, because of updated forms for the Chinese government.  This has just been the icing on-top of the frustration cupcake.  The only thing I love more than getting documents notarized, is getting the same docutment notarized more than once...  I attempt to continuously remind myself to "choose" joy.  The repeating of tasks isn't useless if we are doing it with the right heart and learning more about ourselves while we do it, but some days I struggle, and I just want to scream at someone about having to re-do forms we have already completed and submitted 4 months ago that they are just now getting around to checking... and oh by the way, now you need to re-do them.... as you can tell, I am struggling with choosing joy...

Bottom line.
I am overwhelmed with life.

It isn't new to be overwhelmed, but I have to admit this is the first time I have felt this way, and really didn't see an "end" to the phase we were in.  This isn't a season for us, this just is life right now, and the next forseeable season is far more intense then this one, and that my friends, that is terrifying.

The frustration I feel about repeating paperwork, unfinishable tasks, not enough hours in the day, playing single mommy...is only going to increase as our family expands in an amazingly beautiful way, but I am terrified of the impending chaos.

Just to clear up some questions that may be looming in the backs of your minds... I am still 100% sure we are supposed to adopt our precious little guy (he was so our son from the first day we saw him), still 100% sure I was supposed to take my job, I am just 100% sure that Jesus is going to be necessary every minute of every day, or this is going to be a horrific mess...

I know that the Lord is using this time to sanctify us, and to prepare us for all the changes coming our way... but there are many days where I sit and confess that if this much sanctification is needed as "prep," I kind of don't even want to think about what our family is going to encounter moving forward... I think I will just stay in bed and hide with the covers over my head...

I had a wonderful friend remind me that just b/c we are experiencing chaos now, doesn't mean we are heading for more chaos, in fact it might be the Lord paving the way for the transition to appear as though it was easy... While this is a beautiful optimistic thought... I am negative, and I would love to look at what lies ahead with that heart, but I struggle to see past the doom and weeping and gnashing of teeth that comes to mind.

None of this is to say we aren't super excited about bringing David home, it is just a confession that I am really scared of "more" of anything right now.  I feel like I just can't take it.  The Lord's timing is always perfect.  I know that whenever we get the green light, He will prepare us and get us truly ready for our son to come home, but we don't have the green light right now, and I am looking at this very humanly, and I am feeling overwhelmed..

For those of you who read all the way to the bottom, thank you!  Please be praying for us.  We really need extra grace, and His strength to make it through our days... And for those of you wondering about when we think we will be bringing out son home, we still don't know.  We are hoping that it will be early in the new year, but our dossier hasn't been logged yet, so they still cannot give us an estimate.

Hope you all are having a splendid evening! :)

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The Author and Perfecter the Beginning and the End, He is.

Strange title I suppose.

Strange couple weeks I suppose.

The amount of provision, perfection, protection, and syncing of timing has been nothing short of a miraculous  poetic symphony that demands all who can hear stop and give their full attentive listening ear.  The Lord has done some amazing work in the craziest of circumstances over the past month.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by that.  I know in my head that the Lord becomes touchabley and audiably present when he brings us through trials of all kinds.  He does promise they are a testing of our faith, and that ultimately for those who love and a bid in him, the trials will make us stronger and reveal a truer understanding of He who created us.

I don't know that I am stronger, in fact I have a keener awareness of the weakness of my flesh,  but I am more in awe of who our marvelous creator is today than I was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.  Jesus is the Maker of the Heavens, The Bright Morning Star, The Breath of all Creation, The One who calms the seas, the One from whom all Miracles and Wonders stem, and the One who heals the broken, and ultimately is our Redeemer and our Savior, and He, whom is all of those things, cares intimately about the details of my life.  And that, that reality is so far beyond my comprehension, and my brain is still trying to wrap my head around the amazing orchestration of life these past few weeks.

We had this crazy housing situation.  We were ready to start packing boxes.  We had talked with mortgage brokers, real estate agents, landlords, and had basically gotten no where.  They all had their solutions to our problem of needing to move "today."  Each solution was crazier than the next.  We drove from house to house with our realtor just praying there would be provisions for us that met our needs and had some of our wants too.

But with each house we saw our hearts sunk a little further.  We would return the car, look at the next listing in our pack, viewing the photos, "stats," location, and say a little prayer that this one was going to be it.  But no such luck.  While Jonathan was away, there was one house that I saw with Noah that was great.  It did meet almost all of our needs, but it was a lot further from the school than we desired.  The move there was tempting as it would save us $300 a month, but we were both really hesitant about the commute killing us. So, we were faced with our last day of house hunting for a rental property and it was, to say the least, amusing.

  Jonathan had been out of town and was returning home for us to have one more fun filled morning of seeing 10 rental properties, our poor Realtor was about ready to pop with her baby, and wasn't going to be able to make the final horah with us.   So, we embraced our new Realtor and our final outing.

Arriving at the first home there was some disappointment.  The photos showed a decently maintained backyard with a play set, and the reality was kind of reminiscent of a jungle.  Now we aren't renting virgins.  We had come to expect that photos lie, in fact, they lie more times than not, but this one was particularly surprising.  We blew it off, and looked forward to seeing the inside, after all, we are going to have 3 boys, they don't need to play outside...boys aren't rowdy, they don't need space to play...

The house itself, was lovely, just lovely, it really did meet our needs.  It had gorgeous floors, a "new" kitchen, a mudroom, was close to the school, and 2 bathrooms (my dream come true. There seems to be a constant problem in this house that anytime I attempt to take a bath, I fill the tub, graciously settle into the steaming hot water, and a little tap tap tap at the door takes place.  Guess what?  One of my lovely boys needs to go poop.  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  I have long dreamed over the last 4 years of 1 bathing experience that didn't smell of steamy poop after the first 2 minutes.  Sorry if that was too much information and digression)

The inside of the house was selling us on accepting the outside...

Upon exiting the house again, we decided to view the back yard a little more closely.  After all, we were responsible for taming the beast of a jungle, and it seemed like kind of a crazy task....  and then we spotted it... beautiful, glistening, shinny, red poison oak, and ivy, growing all over everything in the back yard. No joke, the horribly demonish itchy stuff was growing up the trees and covering the entire back perimeter of the yard and it was coming in an unwanted 2 for the price of 1 deal.  Jonathan practically ran to the car, and I contemplated whether or not to drive immediately home and bath myself in ivory soap..and dispose of all the clothing we were wearing. We have had our fair share of unpleasant encounters with the itchy demon vine in the past, and in less than desirable places...let's just say you don't want to sit on any type of  ivy, EVER!

Part of me wanted to cry and part of me want to laugh.  This was the first house we had seen so far that would actually meet the space needs of our growing family that was close to the school, but it would come at an extremely high itchy cost. Which was a cost far to high..

We pressed on to the next house.

And we pressed and we pressed, drove and drove, turned around, turned around again, drove up and down the same street multiple times, and then the Realtor admitted she couldn't find the house. No truer words had ever been spoken out of any realtor EVER!  So, I feel pretty confident this means the rest of the day is doomed.  And it basically was.  It was one mess after another.  We returned home partially laughing at the mess, and partially crying.

Mostly I was just confused.  I wasn't sure how to interpret the circumstance.  Was this the Lord slowing the whole adoption process down?  Was this the Lord asking us to make yet another leap into a really practically crazy living space to grow and change us in more ways?  Were we hoping in things of this world to meet our needs and not the Lord?

Disappointed we waited. Jonathan got poison ivy all over his hands... and there still wasn't a solution other than cortisone for the itch.  Several days passed, we didn't continue to look at houses.  We did nothing other than pray that their would be a fitting solution to our housing needs and watch Jonathan scratch at the fruit from our endeavors.  We waited some more, and then the Lord parted the seas, but this time it was the sea of my soul.

Jonathan had the chance to talk to a banker who deals with foreclosures in NJ.  This banker was connected to us through Jonathan's accountant.  The account who happens to be a believer, who has adopted multiple kiddos from China, and whose office (which we didn't know him at the time) we sat in 3 years ago when we attended our first adoption meeting.  Lots of Jesus going on in that sentence, did you catch it all. :)
The banker informed us that foreclosures in NJ take a minimum of 18 months.

Jonathan also happened to finally get a call back from Al, our landlord, who hadn't been communicating with us for several weeks.  Al told us that his son was the one with the unknown lien on the property that was preventing it from closing, and that him and his wife were going to need to take their son to court in order to remove the lien, as his son won't return his calls or answer his questions.  Jonathan and I were both heart broken for Al.  The brokenness of their relationship hit me in a way I didn't anticipate.  Sure we were stressed about finding someplace to live, but he was stressed with the complete brokenness of his relationship with his own child.

Our stress was over tangible things, things that will burn up.  Our stress, while seeming justified, really wasn't.  Sure it is taxing to move, but it is just a move.  We would box up and unpack and all would be well.  In the scheme of things that are important, where we will sleep ranks much lower than a broken relationship.  They cannot box up broken hearts and unpack whole ones. They are the suffers here, not us. Sin hurts far more than sweating.

I felt really rocked.  I was wrong. I was concerned with things that didn't matter, things that will pass away, things that aren't eternal. I was concerned with finding a solution, and hoping for an improvement in our living circumstance at the end of it. After all, if the Lord was going to have us move, it must be to a better place, right?

Well, the Lord did answer that question. Yes, but not a practical yes, a Jesus Yes.  I am moving.  The Lord is moving  me.  He is moving me to a better place in my soul, not a better physical place to dwell.

Through the chaos with Al's family, we found out the bank foreclosure starts all over again, which means we have another 18 months at least, before we have to vacate the property. This means we can stay. I am so much more thankful for the provisions of the Lord.  I would always joke we lived in a shoe box.  The house regularly felt cramped and crowded with the boys, but I think the lesson for me was that my heart was bitter and crowded with lies of what I thought I needed, or how much better life would be if only we had ______.
The Lord gave us everything we need right here, yes, steamy poop smelling baths and all.  And now, now, I am thankful for it.  Every last tiny bit of it. It only took driving around and seeing every rental imaginable for me to realize it, and I am so thankful the Lord didn't allow more properties to be available...

As a little icing on the cake.  Because Jesus is just extra awesome like that, we get to pay $300 less per month to live here, the same amount the other house that was much much further from the school cost, and we have a flexible lease that will allow us to leave whenever we want, if we want. Why?  Because Jesus Rocks, and our Landlord does too :)

And  the cherry on top, you ask?  Yes, we got one of those too.

All the housing delays caused us delaying our home study meetings.  When we finally were ready, we got word that our social worker would be changing, yet again.  This would be the 5th social worker we would be dealing with, as our great wall (china agency) had changed our social worker just a week before. I was initially annoyed when I got the email (are you picking up on my pattern, react poorly...and then repent.)  The change would necessitate more work in ensuring all of our paperwork made it into the hands of our new social worker, and Choi, whom I had already met was super nice.

We had our first visit with Joan, our new social worker, and she was amazing.  Our interview couldn't have been better.  She barely grazed on the topics we were anticipating trouble with, as we knew our parenting style didn't jive with all of NJ's requirements for adoptive parents.  We spouted plenty of Jesus reasons all through the meeting, and she shook her head as if to say "amen" to all of them.  At the end of the most pleasant meeting ever, I asked her where she went to church... She smiled and asked if it was that obvious.  Not only is she a Christian, but she is really good friends with one of the daughters of Jonathan's accountant, you know the one who is a believer and adoptive parent..

What a sweet sweet blessing and more answers to prayer.  She was a gift we received because of the housing delay that had happened.  She, was worth the wait!  Joan is amazingly helpful, and not scary at all, in fact I kind of feel like we are "cheating" on our home study.  All of the scary stories we had been prepped with couldn't be further from our reality right now.  She is an amazing resource to us, and we are so so thankful for the chaos that delayed us long enough to have her. We finalize our home study on Friday and will apply for US immigration approval early next week.  And to our friend who was specifically praying that this whole process would get "easier" THANK YOU!!!

So, not all chaos is bad chaos.  We are still learning to decipher the difference between Jesus ordained chaos and chaos from our own doing.  But I suppose at the end of the day if the Lord graciously reveals the source of the chaos, both can lead to change, and both can be equally and distinctively beautiful.

Blessings to you all this evening.

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Peace in the Wild Things

Hope. Journey. Faith. Perseverance.  Trial. Tribulation. turmoil. chaos.  Many lessons in choosing Joy and letting go...as that is really all we can do...

"Into the peace of these wild things, Into the wild of this grace, Into the grace of this blessing, Speak in the peace of this place"

Those things just about sum it all up.  I am tempted to leave it at that actually.  But I won't... I think I could describe our current state of affairs as the "all day sickness" of pregnancy.  You know, the kind that leaves you unable to be productive with anything during your day as you are constantly aware of the feeling that you are going to toss your cookies at any time?  Unfortunately I got to experience that with my first pregnancy, and now we are getting it with the adoption. 

It all started a month ago.  We got the call we would need to change our home study agency.  There was a little panic, fear, we were going to loss a chunk of the work we had already done, but we really had no choice. We were the gracious recipients of a kind soul doing some research and phone calls on our behalf and they set us up with the new agency and we were praising the Lord for his kindness and provision.  The new agency was happy to take some of our old paperwork, but not all... When we got the new reference outlines, we were slightly scared about dealing with this new agency.  They didn't seem as laid back or "friendly" in their paperwork, as if paperwork can be "friendly," but we had made the judgement all the same.. and were kind of "scared" to work with them, but we had no choice but to carry on and trust...  choose joy... choose joy....hope for the best... trust...

Then we get the next call, our tax documents were having an issue. (okay, the actual tax document cannot have a problem, but you get the point.)  We were planning to submit, for the purpose of this letter we will refer to it as "form a," but they really needed, for the purpose of this conversation, "form b."  Again, you are probably thinking, so what, supply form b and don't worry about it.  Well, in short, we couldn't.  Form B would indicate that we actually don't make enough money to adopt from China...and after already getting a net worth exemption granted, we certainly wouldn't be getting an income exemption made...   choose joy... choose joy... Trusting... 

We were officially in a pickle.  I went to meet with this new home study agency which seemed really stern and nit picky by their paperwork, to see what we could do.  After 2  minutes with our social worker, I realized how completely wrong I was to judge the social worker or the agency by the paperwork they gave us.  Choi, our social worker, couldn't have been more welcoming and accommodating.  She understood our problem, and immediately called in their owner/business manager to see how they could help us.  They agreed to verify our income using form A.  This was great news...now we only needed China to accept form A too...   trusting in the Lord for this whole thing to not fall apart before our very eyes... 

Our Adoption Agency writes to China asking for the exemption on the tax document, China doesn't give us an answer, but happily asks for our last 5 years with of income tax history....  insert a really sarcastic "good times" expression here.  After 4 moves in 5 years, I was really looking forward to that dig... trusting.. hoping.. and now crying out to the Lord to provide yet another miracle... 

And what do you know, the God that started this work in us, has seen it through yet another miraculous hurdle to bring it through to completion.. and China approved yet another exemption for us!  We are still able to pursue David.  We are thrilled, but definitely feeling weary.  We knew the whole time the Lord had directed the path, and he would continue to direct the path, but we still wanted to "see" the end prior to him bringing us there.  I am still seeking control in a circumstance I have no control over.  I suppose this is going to be the lesson of this journey.  Letting go and learning to enjoy the ride...  

So, it would only be fitting for another major curve ball as the above wasn't enough of a lesson... 

We are currently renting.  The house we are renting was set to "close" and our landlord would change.  The house we are renting is selling in a "short sale." Well, the house didn't close, the sale didn't go through, there is an unknown lien on the property that cannot be found, and will prevent the house from closing for an indefinite amount of time, the buyer for the house (our potential future landlord) is getting ready to walk, and the bank is getting ready to foreclose.  We now have a pickle of a circumstance.

For those of you that don't know that much about adopting.  We have to have a home study done and actually get approval on the physical home we are living in.  This physical home approval will be submitted to immigration along with lots of other information for us to be granted permission to travel to China to bring home a child.  If we move after our home study is complete (which it is near complete) we will have to have an update issued (expensive) for the home study, and reapply to immigration with the updated information, drastically delaying this whole process and increasing the cost.  (I will pause for a breath)

So, we now have to make a decision to stay and hope for the best, or move before it gets even stickier... and if we are moving we have to move...like...yesterday... 

I have been reminded of the peace the Lord provides a midst the storm surrounding us.  This unexplained magical peace.  We have been recipients of it before, and I believe we are experiencing the magical grace today.  I can say I am not bound up with fear and worry, but more just an overwhelming feeling of being tired.  I don't  know what I am tired of, I just know I am tired.  We laid in bed last night chuckling about the potential for yet another move...all the while knowing we cannot control one bit of it, and we just need to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing, and if a move is required. know it is for the best.. Please pray with us.  This has been quite a journey, and it has only just begun.  The need for more magical peace is ever-present and ever necessary.  

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Dancing in the mine fields, sailing in the storms.

April 16, 2014
The past 2 weeks have not been without many many opportunities for massive freak out.  I was inspired by some song lyrics that really gripped my soul in a beautiful anthem song kind of way.

"We went dancing in the mine fields, we went sailing in the storms, this was harder than we dreamed it be, but so much better than before."  

That my friends, is life.  What beautiful imagery, and what a true statement.  Life is never how we plan, thank goodness....it is always better..      And now we will enter the mine field of the last 2 weeks.

I enjoy planning, knowing I have what I need to progress or proceed to the next step in any process, having a good handle on what is expected of me, and following through.  And, here we are going to insert a huge diabolical laugh, as that would be the exact opposite of how the last 2 weeks have happened.

It all started on April fools day, yes, that is right, I did say April fool's day, but these were no jokes.  We received a call from our homestudy agency, very confused.  They still had down on our administrative paperwork that we were adopting from the Ukraine, and received our Agency contact information for Great Wall, and panicked that we might be adopting from China.  I say "panicked" as they are not licensed to be able to complete a Chinese homestudy...and would not be able to complete the process we had already started.  We simply fell through their administrative cracks.

My jaw dropped, I honestly almost had a nervous break down right then and there on the phone.  I contacted Great Wall to see if there was anything we could do to "salvage" what had already been done, and they basically confirmed, we would be starting all over with a new agency. Awesome.  Insert emotional break down here, and tears there.

We have literally been working on our homestudy since Feb.  That is 2 whole months that would now be down the drain as far as our timeline is concerned.  I was too upset to even process what could be done at the time. We opted to just leave the problem until the next day and pray that the Lord would work it out.

The Lord answered prayers in a big way.  Wednesday morning, I had an email in my inbox from Greatwall, who had contacted our old homestudy agency, and they had called around to other agencies in south jersey that could do our homestudy.  They found the "cheapest" one, called them on my behalf, explained the circumstance, and the new homestudy Agency, Golden Cradle, was basically waiting for my phone call when I called them later that day. Thank you Jesus. Golden Cradle agreed to take all the other agency's paperwork (minus one form,) and could work with us to complete the last steps.  What an answer to prayer, the agencies had "worked it out" for us.   Emergency kind of averted...for a day or two anyway...

So, things were looking calm for a couple days, so naturally it was time to shake things up some more.  Next lovely surprise comes when we are trying to verify our income with the social worker.  We were told we could use one tax form, and the homestudy agency had on their "regulations" we needed to provide a different form.  The form they needed, we couldn't provide b/c it would demonstrate that we didn't meet income minimum either....when our whole exemption from China back in Feb. was based on our income from the tax form we thought we could us....

Jesus was in this whole crazy stressful circumstance.  Our homestudy Agency getting switched was turning out to be a beautiful thing.  The owner of the new agency was completely understanding of our predicament, and was more than happy to help us try to come up with a solution to the "problem."  He understood how tax reporting when you own your own business gets a little tricky, and was more than happy to make an exception for us.  The best part was is the new agency is literally 7 miles from our house, so we didn't need to drive an hour and 1/2 to meet with them and talk this through, we drove 10 minutes.  Both our social worker and the owner couldn't have possibly been any nicer or more accommodating.  So, our first meeting with them was a huge inspiration and blessing for the whole homestudy debacle that had just taken place.

Golden Cradle happily agreed to use the form we had, but needed clearance from Great Wall to make sure China would accept that form.  And here is where the fun really starts. I will keep it short, but we basically went through many emails and phone calls, trying to figure out if all this was going to fall apart as our reported "income" to china from last year was based on the tax document we wanted to use, not the tax document china normally requires, and our whole exemption was based on our income.  We could go into the base of the misunderstanding, but at the end of the day it was both Greatwall's fault and our own, and placing blame wasn't going to solve the problem.  The bottom line was, if we had to submit the usual tax document, our income wouldn't be high enough to be granted the exemption and David would be left in China.

More waiting, praying, and searching like mad for our last 5 years of tax documents to report, well you know, our entire life/financial history to china... and then some more waiting...

The financial paperwork and entire circumstance was hard, and a testing of our faith.  David's ability to come home hung in the balance of the new forms getting submitted and approved.  We were literally back to square one like we were in January with the whole approval process with China, except now we had the face of a little boy on our hearts that was at the other end of this decision.  Typically, I would have been a mess.  Searching for something practical we could do, a way to avoid the trial, and this time, I just "took it, Straight on," with Jesus.  We were in the poetic way "sailing in the storm."

Sure, I cried a little, needed sometime to gather my thoughts, and set out a plan to get everything the CCWA (the Chinese adoption board) needed back to them ASAP, but I knew the Lord was with us.  I knew that if this was going to go through a second time, with even grimer paperwork it was really going to be the Lord.

The Lord was  also  gracious in providing a wonderful work distraction from Noah's school.  I was super busy planning a fundraiser for them, I literally didn't have any extra time to sit around and think through the worst case scenarios and tunnel into a black hole, or try to "fix" anything practically.  I had to keep moving, and hoping and praying that the Lord would yet again part the seas for this adoption to go through.  All the Credit would be going to Jesus and not a creative solution to the problem.

Jonathan and I sat in the kitchen 2 nights ago talking about how it would just be so odd that the Lord would bring us this far, and then have us "let go" of David.  For one of the first times faced with a large trial, I had a sense of peace, that same peace I never could understood, that Jonathan would testify to.  I had a calmness that I really cannot explain.  I knew David was meant to be, he was going to come home because of, and only because of the Lord.  God had paved the way, allowed his voice to be heard to start the process with David, and he would be faithful to complete it.  I spent just a couple minutes entertaining what it would be like if we had to let go, and then I emotionally moved on, I just didn't think that was going to happen, I felt so strong in my hearing of the Lord a couple weeks ago that the Lord was sustaining me on that wave, and I was not being overcome by the storm.

We got a wonderful email yesterday, that confirmed our track.  China yet again approved our new "grimmer" financial status and is allowing us to proceed!  So, Jesus yet again worked us over another hurdle in a miraculous way, to yet again confirm this is what he has for us, and David is still coming home.  Is anyone getting tired of reading about this miraculous journey??  I feel as though I am getting repetitive with testifying to the Lord continuously showing up, and guiding our path, but it is true, and it has been inspiring to my soul.  God has never been more real or tangible in my life, and that my friends is really really a neat thing.  I feel like I am getting to experience what I have heard other's talk about, or sing about, and it is awe inspiring, and I am so immensely thankful for his real and true and very visible presence right now. We really do serve a living and breathing God, who is gracious, and all sufficient.   It is giving us the confirmation was need, it truly is a gift, and we write about it so we will have something to look back and read when we don't "feel" his presence in this same way, and we wonder if we have been abandoned.  After all, I am know for my extremes.

All of that aside, I enter a superficial, fleshly commentary... I honestly think I have aged 5 years in these short couple months.. I will most definitely be grey by the time we board the plane to go to China, but I cannot imagine a better way to sacrifice my vanity. :)

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Out of the Cave and into the light... he's coming home

March 24,2014

2 Corinthians 4:18

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

This week has been really really hard.  Lots of tears have been shed, and tension has been at an all time high within our souls.  

I am exhausted. 

Why I am exhausted, however, is entirely my own fault.  After much soul searching, the Lord brought the clarity that I am running.  I am running away from the Lord, from his voice, and into the darkness.  

Jonathan went out to a bible study this evening (thursday night) and they were reading the story of Elijah.  When he left for the bible study, I was still in my fight (granted, unknown to me at the time) with the Lord.  While he was there, I took some time, a lot of time, to pray...and seek the Lord, read some life stories of children and their "quality of life" living with similar conditions.  I sought for hope, I sought for an answer....

Then Jonathan came home and told me all about Elijah, and how he had his miraculous miracle (fire from heaven) and a moment later he was hiding in a cave and the Lord was bringing all sorts of natural disasters upon him and the Lord wasn't in them... and then the Lord said.."what are you doing here, in this cave? go and do what I told you to do"

As Jonathan shared his story, I bursted out into tears.  He looked at me kind of puzzled, and I told him to keep going.. When he finished the "beauty" of the story, the Lord clicked why I am so exhausted. I am fighting, I am fighting so hard to run away from what the Lord has given me to walk through.  

I prayed and pleaded for an answer, guess what, the Lord gave it.  The Lord gave me exactly what I asked for.  A clear "word" to know this was our child.  We got the word, we got the word Friday (over a week ago,) and when Tuesday came and the seas looked overwhelming, I ran.  I ran in the opposite direction while crying out to the Lord, "show me your face."  He had shown me his face, and I was running.  this is why I was getting no where and was a mess
.  My thoughts didn't make sense, and I couldn't quite put my finger on anything that was certain.  

I managed to get out of my mouth for the first time in a real way, "David is going to be our son."  The words were freeing, and terrifying all at the same time.  I instantly gained clarity as I spoke them.  I could clearly see how we/I are were trying to avoid a path the Lord has plainly given us, and confirmed for us. 

Jonathan had no words, other than to say he was at peace about it.  

Peace for him is great! Fear for me is also great I suppose.  The more I have explored all the fears and concerns that I have had (with the encouragement of wise friends) to seek the Lord with my fears and match up his truths with my thoughts, the more they are all bogus.  I don't believe we would ever regret bringing David into our lives, no matter how hard.  I don't believe our family would be better off without him, and I don't believe he is going to ruin our children's lives. All of those are the answers of truth.  You don't want to know the answers I had conjured up in my head for those questions.  

I think my main fear.... I am sacred to death of having my heart break in this way.  What we feel for David and all our hopes and fears for him is a heart breaking that I cannot even quantify with words.  It is beautiful and awful all in one.  The level of vulnerability we have right now is so uncomfortable for my flesh, and yet so reassuring in Jesus.  I need constant momentary reminders of the truth and strength of the Lord because my brokenness is raw.  

Being emotionally broken isn't my strong suit.  I always try to harden so things don't hurt so bad.  But this whole process has stripped away that hardness, and the rawness of this flesh is seriously painful for me.  I have never cried so many open mouthed ugly tears in a such a short span without a death being involved.. 

And I suppose the tears that were shed almost a month ago now were the tears of the grief of the loss of myself. I did lose my former self somewhere in this journey. The newness of who the Lord is converting me into is clearer but yet still undefined, but I know I am different.. These last couple of days was the final war with the old non emotional me.  I think for right now that girl is dead.  It is freeing to not fight, but to surrender.  Even though this surrender could be perceived or rationalized as harder, it is easier, b/c the Lord is there.  

and now we come to today...  In just a few days, I cannot tell you how excited I am.  The Lord is really given my fears a complete back seat and I feel like I am on cloud nine.  I am blown away by how the Lord uses his body to reveal himself.  I have been connected to so many amazing women who were able to speak the Truth of the Lord to me in my struggling last week, and breath life into the situation.  These women I hardly "know,' but now I feel so blessed by them.. The Lord's ability to meet us when we are broken is astounding.. I am so grateful that the Lord was with me in that cave and giving me food and water as I hid afraid. 

Noah was a little somber all last week.  We apologized to him for bringing him into the "cave" with us, and told him all about what the Lord was teaching us...and ended it with "We are going to bring David home..."  His disposition completely changed, his somber mood disappeared and he was running laps in the back yard jumping up and down having a grand ole celebration...The Lord is good.

We signed our contract today...paid a good deal of money..and wrote our letter of intent to China. This is really happening... eek!  this is by far the most exciting and terrifying time of my life!  

As you all feel lead please pray for wisdom.  Diligence in our paperwork, so we can bring little David home as quickly as possible, and for the Lord to provide financially for us!   I greatly appreciate you all journeying with me thus far, and hope you will journey the rest of the way to China and back!  Here is for hoping for a December Travel Date... Miracles happen!  

Blessings to you all this evening!!

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Soul Searching....dealing with Doubt

Dated: March 18, 2014

We had the second and third meeting today.  My spiritual "high" was short lived though, folks.  I had a brief moment of faith filled splendor, and now I am back to reality of visiting practical analysis land today.  Our meeting today didn't go as well as one would have hoped, but it really wasn't that bad either.  We found out today that his already really rare circumstance just got even rarer. So rare in fact that there is actually no statistical data as to what we can expect for him, as so few people world wide have it, no one researches it or really knows that much about how their quality of life will be.  He doesn't fit into any category for the condition that he has... he has things that are congruent with both the best cases and the moderately bad cases, but where he will fall is really a great big ball of unknown.  I have never talked to so many specialists, and had such little information in my life.  At the end of the conversation I tried to recap the vastness of his "likely outcome..." and kind of chucked at the range that was presented.. 

The amazing doctor (who did our first phone call) pointed out to us yet again, that all files, even if they look straight forward, wind up with a twist somewhere along the line...  We just had way more twists that were visible... and we would need to do some serious soul searching...  

Soul searching is right.  We are feeling a sense of openess to the vastness of the circumstance at hand, and a strong sense of fear.  I cannot exactly put my finger on what the fear is stemming from.  Am I afraid for David and the quality of life he may have, am I afraid in my lack of ability to provide for him and his needs, am I afraid that this just may all be too much for me...or a combination of all of the above... I also have an overwhelming sense of sadness.  Again, not sure exactly why.  Letting go of him, letting go of myself and pursuing him, about his medical and practical circumstance...again probably a little of everything.. 

We are still practically waiting for just a few questions to come back in from China, thankfully they aren't in today.. and we get some more time to wait on the Lord.  In an amazing twist of fate, I have never been so happy to have to wait on a report in my whole life.  I fear what decision would have been made today, if today had been go day... mostly b/c my head and heart feel all clouded with emotion, and I feel like I lost my ability to hear the Lord today.  I need a settling... and we fortunately have it, without having to ask for a special extension, we just have it.  Again, the Lord knows what he is doing.  He knew I couldn't handle a phone call to the agency asking for more time... he just allowed the time to be here.  

God is good, even in the midst of things being harder than what we "wanted" he is good.  He hasn't left us alone in this whole process, and I know he won't now... I think I just need to hear the clear word again.  Boy am I like an Isrealite.. I cannot even apply the lesson he just taught me. I am weak, it is amazing how weak in fact.  We pray for clarity and assurance in whatever we decide.  The day is coming closer where we will need to decide, and the tension we are feeling is rising as we come closer to the final decision.  Neither of us tonight have an answer... and that is okay, we don't need one, I just hope one of us has it when it is time, and I kind of selfishly hope it is Jonathan.. :) 

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The "word"

Dated: March 15, 2014
So many things have been going on it has been tough to wrap my brain around them concisely and put them down on paper.  

We called around to several Philadelphia area hospitals to see if they had an international program, and if they were taking on new cases.  I had two get in touch with me, and we opted to go with Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.  I spent a day or two filling out paperwork and getting all of our paperwork to them, and before we knew it, I had an email in my inbox from the doctor who would oversee our case.  There are several (about 10) doctors at CHOP that take on cases from China.  The Doctors have their own area of specialty, and then a country specialty.  They are assigned cases based on their country, not the child's diagnosis.  This main doctor would then coordinate our care with all the necessary departments at CHOP.  

We set up our first phone consultation for Friday Morning (this last Friday.)  Since it was only Wednesday, we had some down time.  Jonathan was traveling, and it just gave me some good time to think/pray about the circumstance, and look forward to the appointment in a positive way, not a stressful overwhelming way.  I had the wonderful privilege of talking with a friend who had encouraged me so much with amazing stories of adoption and the beautiful journey the Lord had given through it.  I have heard many stories of beauty, grace, sanctification through adoption.  I think these rung out a little clearer b/c they were special needs adoptions.  The Mother knew enough medical information to know that the circumstance didn't look good on paper.  She knew enough to know it was going to be ridiculously hard and more than she felt equipped to do, but the Lord gave her a "WORD,"  a real word to wait for in the appointment with the doctor, and the doctor said this word, this word that would never align with the practical circumstance of this amazingly challenging case.  The Doctor described this child as "such a JOY." When she heard the word Joy, she just knew.  

It was getting late on Thursday night, and my wheels were spinning with excitement about our appointment the next morning.  At midnight I decided I was going to check my email one last time before bed.  I found a lovely email from this same friend encouraging me to pray for a "WORD" from the Lord.  I was challenged, and slightly nervous to do it.  I wanted to have that amazing confirmation, but i was also so nervous that I wouldn't get one, and would just be holding onto every "word" that was said throughout the meeting.  Feeling weak in faith and partially already "defeated" by my lack of faith, I prayed.  I cried out to the Lord begging for a "WORD."  I don't know how long I prayed for, but my last recollection of the time was 1am.   

I awoke the next morning, and I had no 'WORD" in my head.  I was kind of disappointed.  I didn't get a chance to see Jonathan or talk to him from the time I got that midnight email until we were on the phone conference together. I went into work to await the phone call...and eventually my phone rang...and it was go time with the doctor.  

The first thing she wanted to know was why we were pursuing a child that had xyz special needs... We got to tell her a little bit of the amazing journey we have been on with David and the rabbit hole that has happened and how we just felt like we had to keep going and that things had been hidden for a reason...to which she replied "providence has dealt you another gift, I am the head of the department at CHOP that specializes in one of the conditions David has."  Miraculous! 

As the consultation started, she was kind of all over the place and having a hard time collecting her thoughts.  She would try to start at the beginning and just kept jumping to the "end" of the story with him.  She acknowledged that she was having a hard time going in order because his file was just so (insert a pause here) UNIQUE. When she said the word UNIQUE it was like bells went off in my head, and she said it in slow motion...  My whole disposition changed, and I just felt like Jesus, himself, had shown up at the meeting. I can honestly say, I have never felt such a supernatural speaking to in my whole life.  

After she got out UNIQUE,  she seemed to settle down, and track back through the file in the right order (meaning talking about everything that was "right", and then progressing to the worst case scenarios for his problem areas.)  The meeting overall, went well.  She was an answer to prayer.  She gave us a lot of information, but she wasn't trying to scare or be overly harping on negative...and she wasn't sugar coating...she was bringing the information in a very easy to assess way without Lording her opinions over us. We knew at the end of the call she was only 1 or 3 specialists that would be viewing it and we would need to wait till this week for the rest...

When she exited the call Jonathan and I had a minute to talk on the line, and I was quickly trying to sum up the whole "WORD" prayer.  I then started to share that when I heard UNIQUE, I could hardly get out the whole word before he was affirming he heard the "WORD" too.  He had had the same response to the same word... kind of a overwhelming moment for me and my realization of how little my faith was, and how the Lord showed up in a big way to show me he was there, he really heard my pleas...and he was pressing us on the the next appointment.  

I have always been the "doubter" or "analytical" one in our marriage and in most of my relationships.  I tend to disregard feelings if I can explain an opposite view point with some practical wisdom.  My so call "wisdom" gets in the way of being lead by the spirit so many times I cannot even begin to explain.  I fortunately married a "feeler."  Quite frankly I walked down the aisle to marry him because I trusted him enough to know his "feeling" was something to trust, in the Lord, and he was for certain about me. :)  I knew enough to know, I would never be "sure."    Ultimately I was keanly aware of the fact that I would, If given enough time to rationalize, run away from a "cliff" back to comfort and analytical land.  Fortunately or unfortunately ( ;) ) I married a cliff jumper. 

Jonathan without hesitation will make jumps with our life and family that I would never ever do.  He does them b/c he knows he should.  The Lord has used that in amazingly challenging and wonderful ways in our marriage and life.  Sometimes the end of the day brings a really harsh landing for us and circumstances that are beyond trying and force us to wait for the Lord to show up and provide a miracle...b/c that is the only way we are eating that month...  And you know what, the Lord always does.  

The Lord hasn't left our family in a cliff jumping circumstance high and dry in a foreign land searching for water.  We maybe have felt from time to time we had been forgotten, but we really never were.  We simply just had to discover a new level of discomfort and a new understanding of patience and complete and utter dependence of the provision of the Lord.  And my faith needed to grow.

I know that probably seems like a long aside, but it is so necessary for understanding how amazing this UNIQUE word really was for my faith.  I felt confident that I heard from the Lord, and I wasn't seeking to analyze everything we heard in the meeting in a practical risk assessment kind of way, but rather in an assurance that we could handle the worst case scenario that we heard.  It gave a confidence and excitement for our next meeting with the specialist.

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Answered Prayers from China in the form of Medical Records

Dated: March 11, 2014

Praise the Lord for our answer to prayer! we have received everything we requested from China about David today! (although I suppose it was yesterday as it is past midnight here...but I won't get knit-picky)  It is amazing to have a full complete picture of him.  It was so fun to read about his life, and really get a better picture for "who" he is.  I had a beaming smile as I read all about his likes/dislikes, favorite foods/activities, what he is learning, where he excels, etc, etc.  It was kind of a surreal experience given where we were just a couple days ago...

Let me back up.  We did get his scans over a week ago.  These I could open, and there was a report inside from the radiologist.  I read the report with such vigor and excitement, until the end...when I read what I just wasn't ready to find.  All the hopes for his condition to be minor and for the early detection to just be "luck," simply were not the case.  The report changed the ball game.  His diagnosis is much more significant than what we thought, and it is truly a "worst case scenario" on film.  I was saddened, emotional, frustrated...and most of all bewildered by how on earth it could have ever have been misdiagnosed.  

My brain has a problem, and it just needs to be able to "understand" and "reason" through, or I feel as though I cannot move on.  I spent days, pouring over pages of information reading any and everything I could get my hands on to give us a better picture of what his life is like, how he feels, how he copes, how he "lives" with his condition.  I just couldn't wrap my head around how this little boy who looks healthy and robust in his photos was basically given a "death" sentence in his radiology report.  It just makes no sense... 

We agreed to pray and try to just "let go" (over a week ago now.)  Jonathan and I were thinking in the back of our mind we will just need to wait for the rest of his update, we aren't going to make any final determinations about him until we get all the information.  But both of us were kind of thinking we would be sending his file back...  So, we waited.  I wondered, prayed, searched, vented, prayed some more, struggled to act normal, was blessed with a major time consuming distraction.. and prayed some more.  

The downtime prior to getting this update was needed. We needed to be "ready" for what we would read today.  Just yesterday as I sat in evening church, I got to listen to the pastor preach on patience and our faith.  The Lord "told" many of his followers that xyz was going to happen, but then didn't bring it about right away (think Saul)  All of them, were not patient.  All of them saw an opportunity to bring about the Lord's promise on their own volition.  All of them sinned, and lost favor with the Lord and paid enormous consequences for it, for Saul that meant the  loss of his kingdom.  This is what happens when we don't wait on the Lord, it is a good sobering reminder to wait upon the Lord. And the blessing of waiting on the Lord is indescribably wonderful...b/c it was his timing and not our own.  Jesus did come, it required patience and sacrifice, but he did come to seek and save the Lost, and he did or will do everything that the Lord promised.  In his time, not our own, so it can only be credited to him, and nothing or no one else.  When we get to experience this true un-violated patience it is an amazing thing.  In this case for us, we couldn't bring out David's report any quicker, we had to be patient(we fortunately didn't get a choice,) we had no opportunity to get it apart from the Lord, but it is still amazing to see his timing, and why our patience was necessary.  

 The time, and the patience we were blessed to receive from the Lord were necessary. The Lord gave us a chance to see David with fresh eyes today, expectant eyes, sober eyes, not scared eyes.  I only had scared eyes after the radiology report.  I could only see every worst case scenario and no "best" case scenario.  (Here is where google hasn't been helpful... :) )  We knew he had a rare condition, and then we found out he had an even more rare and obscure condition that most children don't live long with...  but here's the thing... David is living with it, he is surpassing any "normal" confine of the diagnosis! Seeing his update today it is as though the child in those scans is not the child on the paper.  They cannot possibly be the same person.  

So, the story isn't practically any clearer, I actually think the report has created more practical questions for us and less answers (gotta love the Lord's sense of humor)...and we are coming to the somewhat interesting intersection of resting in the fact that absolutely none of this makes any sense, and that is okay.  We know the Lord always shows up when nothing makes physical sense, we have seen this, and believe it, and are resting in it.  

I had a really great conversation with the nice lady, Jesse, at the agency today, as I had some questions about specialist referrals...  I shared with her what was in his "scan" report and there was silence on the other end.  She had viewed the scans, but not the report.  There was silence on the other end for quite a bit, it was a tad awkward for me, but she seemed to have a great understanding of the magnitude of what I was telling her.  She nicely reminded me that we could hand his file back at anytime, we shouldn't feel obligated to get any additional reviews, spend more money, as this was clearly more than we signed up for.  I appreciated her perspective, this is how we felt just a couple days ago.  We were ready to send back David's file just 3 days ago, I had even had a couple of conversations where I really had rationalized sending it back...but today came...and today...we just couldn't.  This little guy is special, that much we know for sure.  Anyone who can do what he is doing with the condition he has is amazing!  I honestly don't know what to make of all of it, but I know we have to keep pressing on, we can't let go yet!

This is, absolutely more than what we signed up for.  We know that now, without a doubt.  But, onward we press.  We want to have a better understanding of how much more is going to be asked of us...if we continue.  

 We also are firm believers in information being "hidden" for a reason.  We never would have moved down to NJ if we had "known" everything we came to know during our time here.  The Lord knew we needed to be blind in order to pursue what he was leading us to.  We were blind with David. We requested his file with what we "knew" at the time.  With what we now know...we never would have given his file the time of day.  And now we wonder...what are we supposed to do with that blindness turning into sight, albeit not clear sight...as we still don't really know what a day to day would look like...  I suppose we will go to the metaphorical eye doctor of both practical and spiritual wisdom.  

I know I know, you are probably thinking what does the above analogy really mean...it is late, and I haven't slept much so perhaps that wasn't as great of an analogy as I had hoped.  We are praying.  We are praying hard for vision to see the Lord's will.  We are also diligently seeking both primary and secondary opinions on his scans and life update to see what the practicals would look like for our family.  We also are making these appointments with an appropriate level of skepticism that we will actually get anymore "real" insight into what his practical life will look like, as he currently is surpassing all that is "known" to be true for 70%-90% of the kiddos with his problem.  It is kind of surreal... he is a little miracle, and that, in and of itself is pretty neat.  He is another reminder of "BUT GOD.'  Miracles do happen.  I feel like we are getting to witness one with the little bit we know about his life and we are blessed through it.  And that is what is keeping us going.  He is a fighter, and we will continue to fight for him until we get a clear "turn back" from the Lord. 

So, we need your continued prayer... The fear is still lingering and it is real. The question of is that what we are called to? is there, and real.  The hesitation we have with making appointments with these specialists is there...from a time/cost/further emotional commitment/etc/etc.. (as we casually joke "it's just another $650...what else were we going to do with that money today??..."  The feeling of "this is way more than we signed up for," is alive and well.  And the realization of the doctors not being able to answer most of the questions we have, is sinking in.  But we are pressing on, in the Lord, listening for his voice, hoping for a clear vision and praying like crazy for David, and clarity for his place in our family. 

We would be blessed by your continued prayers and support as we wonder through this journey...

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Waiting it out: Petitioning China for more information

Dated: March 3rd 2014

Since David's file was so old, we had to submit an official request for more information.  We thankfully received an extension on the file pending new medical records and tests.  We really just couldn't make a decision with the huge holes that were present with his information.  GWCA graciously agreed to petition to the Bridge of Hope foundation to update his file... and the waiting begins..

How am I doing?

I am Surviving with grace for the time being.  I feel like I am being prepared to "let-go."  I have a peace about "letting go" even if that means sending his file back, or running full speed off the cliff.  I almost think the Lord was letting me start the grieving (as in death to my flesh) process a little early...a present actually.  It was a grace to see a little bit of my flesh start to die, as this whole process becomes more real.  I recognize that there will be submission and sanctification in ways I never dreamed possible, and I got to see a glimpse of that 2 weeks ago.  I cried, I struggled, but 2 weeks later, I am surviving with those same thoughts and I don't find myself crippled with fear and doubt, but rather peace and patience and a greater understanding of what walking out our "calling" looks like, and a knowledge of God's ability to sustain even when it seems like you aren't going to "make it."  I want to "know" more as soon as possible so we can make a decision.  But I think my clarity on the circumstance is better.  My emotions are settling and my ability to hear the Lord has improved.  I will "make it" another day through the grace of God alone :) 

Whether or not David was meant to come and join us, practically, I don't know at this point, but I do know that the Lord has placed a heavy burden on my heart for this precious little boy, and I am committed to praying for him, and fighting for him in any way I can, even if it is just in writing many letters to China to get as much information in his file as possible for now.  If at the end of this process we have to give his file back, I will still pray for him as he is imprinted on my heart,  and pray for the hope of him finding a forever family.  I think I am starting to see that this isn't an all or nothing game...but that is hard for me, as I tend to be extreme ;)  I also tend to want to solve everyone's problems...and there are a lot of orphans, and I cannot adopt them all...after all, it wouldn't be fair to all the other people who share this burden :)  

I am so grateful for everyone's prayers.  It has been immensely helpful to know that the Lord is before us and knows our needs even better than we do. After all life has brought our way, I am super thankful for this current journey.  It has been so wonderful to be stripped and raw in ways I never could have imagined, and rebuilt with a much clearer vision of what this life is all about....and it has only just begun. :)  We look forward to seeing how this ride will continue.  :)

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"Meeting" David for the first time on paper

Dated: Feb 15, 2014
A little back story for those of you just reading this blog:

David entered our lives on January 27th.  My birthday of all days.  He was the first file that we got to look at after our preliminary call to Great Wall(GWCA).  I hesitantly sent them an email on the 26th of January asking if China ever makes exceptions to their requirements...and they quickly got back in touch with us the next day.  

After a long conversation with Jesse (she's cool, and works at GWCA), she referred David to us.  I logged onto their website to see his profile, and his little face, cubby cheeks, and mischievous smile melted my heart.  I had an instant little boy crush.  We talked through the basic information that Jesse had on David.  Some of the initial "criteria" we requested for a child we would be adopting, David didn't meet.  

Despite the unknown, and the fact that his issue was outside of our prelimary "shopping list" of needs we would take, I was kind of instantly in love.

We pursued our exemption paperwork and submitted it to China on a Thursday. We were told this exemption is not one they usually grant, but we can always try.  We were told it might take some time to hear back from China.  We were praying that there would be a clear answer with whether or not we should be pursuing China and abandoning the Ukraine(they are politically not in a good spot and our ability to travel was looking pretty slim)… 

Just 3 days later, on Monday, I got the email that our exemption had been granted, and we could pursue getting David’s full file.  We received his full file later on Monday. I couldn’t wait to open it up and read all about his life.  I couldn’t wait to see pictures of him. 

And there it was.  6 pages…6 whole pages.  The four and ½ years of his life fit in 6 pages.  On paper he was nothing more than basic check boxes, and stats.  Tasks he could and couldn’t complete, procedures he had done, and how his immunization record was.

I read through the medical reports, hoping some lighting bolt of heaven would come down and make sense out of everything I was reading…that everything would appear as though it had resolved and was all better.  After all, we felt lead toward a special needs adoption, but we really weren’t open to too many special needs…  Just minor correctable ones please..

I read through the file hopeful.  I kept hoping to find that magic bullet that would say some of his really unsettling conditions had self-resolved.  Could it have happened, sure!  Did it happen, we have no idea.  In fact, when it boils down to it, we really don’t know anything about him.  

We have a 2-year-old medical report that is bleak and poorly filled in, and we are supposed to use that to make our decision.  Eagerly I sent the report to various different doctor friends.  Some were more helpful than others, but their recurring them was that the report really didn’t tell us too much.  And then we got the phone call, from my poor brother, no less. 

He had a friend who was willing to look at it, and gave him a call to tell him all about it when he was done.  My brother was then left in the unfortunate position to deliver the news to us…

The scary report came, insert a busted hope-filled blissful bubble here and lots of tears.  We were told of all the horrors of what life could be like for us with David.  Now, I am left pondering, as it is past midnight, and I cannot sleep, how are we supposed to process this information? 

I want guarantees.  Even though I can sit here and say, "I am okay with uncertainty, I am okay with not knowing, I am okay with no guarantees," in all reality, I am not.   In my head I am okay with it and I know I need to be okay with it, but my heart hasn’t rested in that yet.. I want to know.     And it seems the more supposed “information” we get, the more I want.  It is a fuel to a burning fire of control, and self-sufficiency, and a stifling of growing faith.  

The line between "stewardship" and control freak is growing dimmer by the minute.  We want to “know” as much as possible to be prepared to bring him home if the Lord sees fit, but we don’t want to be analyzing all of this as a pass/fail for David in the contest of whether or not he is worthy to be call our beloved son.

And then I come back to 6 pages.  6 pages.  That doctor looked at the same 6 pages of vague information that the other doctors did, that I did, and he saw the potential for disaster for us in parenting him. But what about the potential of life for David?

The Lord looks for our beauty.  He has loved us for a thousand years, and will love us for thousands more.  He loves without fear, without consequence, without what he will get in return.  He loves perfectly.  I do not. I cannot even walk like Jesus for a second let alone a lifetime, but I want to. 

I want to love David as Jesus loved him.  I want to love him without fear, without hope of return, without requirement.  I want to love him and accept him as Jesus loved and accepted me.  I didn’t have to fill out medical reports and answer questions about my development to be welcomed into the family of God; I was just welcomed with open arms. 

I want to love David that way.  I want to dwell on all the beauty he will bring, instead of the trial.  I want to Love him and be concerned about him more than I am concerned about myself. 

I want to dwell on the amazing potential David has.  Amazing potential to become/do something great.  Amazing potential to suffer, love, be loved, be challenged, changed and change us.  At what point in life we do accept the potential, rest in the uncertainty, and begin to bloom into who we were created to be?  At what point do we throw out the "we will accept this, but not that" when hoping for a child..?

This is hard.  To love when you are afraid is really hard.   I need my doubt to go away, and the Lord to show my heart peace and assurance in the circumstance.  The face of David is imprinted in my heart.  When I close my eyes at night I see him.  I imagine him with our boys, and just want to hold him and love him for a thousand years… But oh the fear.  It is real, it is terrifying, paralyzing, stifling.  Lord Jesus please show us the way.

I’m struggling through, would love encouragement.

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The Journey Begins

The beginning of this journey began in 2012...
We had just celebrated our 6 year anniversary.  We had planned to go out for dinner as usual and didn't really have anything else planned for the evening.  We were delighted to find out that the Lord has given our family a little miracle.  We are expecting a BABY!  

The timing of all of that was quite interesting.  

We had started with the adoption agency in January of 2012 eager to answer a burden that the Lord had placed on our heart for growing our family and serving the Lord with our whole family via Adoption.  The meeting didn't go tremendously well and we were told that because of some specific circumstances it might be a bit tough to have our home study approved.  We left the meeting feeling disappointed, and confused.  

With the adoption processing needing to be delayed for at least a year, we were asking ourselves the question "are we doing everything we can do to "grow" our family."  After prayer and deliberation we decided just 2 weeks prior to the pregnancy announcement that we should see a reproductive endocrinologist.  

Well, we no longer needed that appointment, as the Lord saw fit to have answered our prayers for a baby long before ever stepping into that office!  

We were super excited, a little nervous, and very hopeful that we will actually get to meet our baby.  The Lord more than answered our prayers to have our little Isaac get a good long time to grow in my womb, and a repetitively easy pregnancy and miraculously quick and sneaky delivery.  

When Isaac turned one in October or 2013 the adoption thoughts began again. 

We knew we would adopt an older child (this was Jonathan's thought back when we started in January of 2012, but I wasn't ready from the losses, I felt I emotionally needed an infant) November brought lots of research into countries that would fit our "profile".  We Registered on the Rainbow kids website and Reece's rainbow... 2 very "dangerous" sites, as all the kiddos just melt your heart.

The Lord was really showing our family that every child deserves a loving family where they can be known and know others intimately. We are so fortunate to have been adopted into the family of God, and know the acceptance that comes with that adoption. We were thinking through what country profile might work best...

In December we were set on the Ukraine.  The needs of the orphans there were great, and we were more comfortable at the time with a child that looked similar to us.  We researched agencies, and picked one, and started the process of paperwork and finding a home study agency.  All seemed to be moving along with such ease, we even received amzing  news that a car accident I had been in was going to be "paying" for our home study fee from the settlement. All things were going well...

From the end of December till the middle of January our family was so sick it was tough to make progress on anything adoption related.  We were all frustrated that we weren't able to make any progress, and regularly prayed that the Lord would bring healing so we could pursue the adoption.

While we were praying and deliberating, the photos of little kiddos just kept coming into my email (I warned you those sites are dangerous), and I really started to fall for the adorable children from China, even though I knew we didn't meet the requirements...

It seemed the illness was purposeful, and the Lord used the time to make it clear that we weren't going to be going to the Ukraine after all. The Lord was going to use the "yes" we had for the orphans who looked like us in the Ukraine, and the "yes" we had for the orphans for little to no special needs, and transform it to a "yes" for all his orphaned children.

On January 27th (my birthday) we decided to contact Great Wall of China Adoption Agency to find out if China ever makes exemptions to their requirements. We were still uncertain if we would abandon our Ukraine process, and praying for a clear yes, if we were supposed to go to China.  We were told we could fill out an eligibility check and specific exemption form and they would review it and send it to China on our behalf to see if an exemption could be obtained.

We submitted our paperwork on Feb. 5th to China.

We finalized our paperwork on February 6th and were told it could be a little while.  We were praying for a clear yes, and on Monday Februray 10th we got our official exemption granted from China, allowing us to pursue an adoption there. We felt the Lord confirmed this was were he wanted us.

Februray 10th we got the profile of the little boy we heard all about on January 27th, David.

February 11th, I sent emails to 6 different "friends" from varying points in life asking them for help with his file review.  Every single one of them replied and one amazing lady offered to have it viewed by a pediatric internal specialist, and a neurological specialist, free of charge!  And another amazing friend's husband who is a PA extraordinaire offered to review David's file as well...  We were in love.. But the Journey gets much rockier from there... 

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