March 24,2014
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
This week has been really really hard. Lots of tears have been shed, and tension has been at an all time high within our souls.
Noah was a little somber all last week. We apologized to him for bringing him into the "cave" with us, and told him all about what the Lord was teaching us...and ended it with "We are going to bring David home..." His disposition completely changed, his somber mood disappeared and he was running laps in the back yard jumping up and down having a grand ole celebration...The Lord is good.
I am exhausted.
Why I am exhausted, however, is entirely my own fault. After much soul searching, the Lord brought the clarity that I am running. I am running away from the Lord, from his voice, and into the darkness.
Jonathan went out to a bible study this evening (thursday night) and they were reading the story of Elijah. When he left for the bible study, I was still in my fight (granted, unknown to me at the time) with the Lord. While he was there, I took some time, a lot of time, to pray...and seek the Lord, read some life stories of children and their "quality of life" living with similar conditions. I sought for hope, I sought for an answer....
Then Jonathan came home and told me all about Elijah, and how he had his miraculous miracle (fire from heaven) and a moment later he was hiding in a cave and the Lord was bringing all sorts of natural disasters upon him and the Lord wasn't in them... and then the Lord said.."what are you doing here, in this cave? go and do what I told you to do"
As Jonathan shared his story, I bursted out into tears. He looked at me kind of puzzled, and I told him to keep going.. When he finished the "beauty" of the story, the Lord clicked why I am so exhausted. I am fighting, I am fighting so hard to run away from what the Lord has given me to walk through.
I prayed and pleaded for an answer, guess what, the Lord gave it. The Lord gave me exactly what I asked for. A clear "word" to know this was our child. We got the word, we got the word Friday (over a week ago,) and when Tuesday came and the seas looked overwhelming, I ran. I ran in the opposite direction while crying out to the Lord, "show me your face." He had shown me his face, and I was running. this is why I was getting no where and was a mess
. My thoughts didn't make sense, and I couldn't quite put my finger on anything that was certain.
. My thoughts didn't make sense, and I couldn't quite put my finger on anything that was certain.
I managed to get out of my mouth for the first time in a real way, "David is going to be our son." The words were freeing, and terrifying all at the same time. I instantly gained clarity as I spoke them. I could clearly see how we/I are were trying to avoid a path the Lord has plainly given us, and confirmed for us.
Jonathan had no words, other than to say he was at peace about it.
Peace for him is great! Fear for me is also great I suppose. The more I have explored all the fears and concerns that I have had (with the encouragement of wise friends) to seek the Lord with my fears and match up his truths with my thoughts, the more they are all bogus. I don't believe we would ever regret bringing David into our lives, no matter how hard. I don't believe our family would be better off without him, and I don't believe he is going to ruin our children's lives. All of those are the answers of truth. You don't want to know the answers I had conjured up in my head for those questions.
I think my main fear.... I am sacred to death of having my heart break in this way. What we feel for David and all our hopes and fears for him is a heart breaking that I cannot even quantify with words. It is beautiful and awful all in one. The level of vulnerability we have right now is so uncomfortable for my flesh, and yet so reassuring in Jesus. I need constant momentary reminders of the truth and strength of the Lord because my brokenness is raw.
Being emotionally broken isn't my strong suit. I always try to harden so things don't hurt so bad. But this whole process has stripped away that hardness, and the rawness of this flesh is seriously painful for me. I have never cried so many open mouthed ugly tears in a such a short span without a death being involved..
And I suppose the tears that were shed almost a month ago now were the tears of the grief of the loss of myself. I did lose my former self somewhere in this journey. The newness of who the Lord is converting me into is clearer but yet still undefined, but I know I am different.. These last couple of days was the final war with the old non emotional me. I think for right now that girl is dead. It is freeing to not fight, but to surrender. Even though this surrender could be perceived or rationalized as harder, it is easier, b/c the Lord is there.
and now we come to today... In just a few days, I cannot tell you how excited I am. The Lord is really given my fears a complete back seat and I feel like I am on cloud nine. I am blown away by how the Lord uses his body to reveal himself. I have been connected to so many amazing women who were able to speak the Truth of the Lord to me in my struggling last week, and breath life into the situation. These women I hardly "know,' but now I feel so blessed by them.. The Lord's ability to meet us when we are broken is astounding.. I am so grateful that the Lord was with me in that cave and giving me food and water as I hid afraid.
Noah was a little somber all last week. We apologized to him for bringing him into the "cave" with us, and told him all about what the Lord was teaching us...and ended it with "We are going to bring David home..." His disposition completely changed, his somber mood disappeared and he was running laps in the back yard jumping up and down having a grand ole celebration...The Lord is good.
We signed our contract today...paid a good deal of money..and wrote our letter of intent to China. This is really happening... eek! this is by far the most exciting and terrifying time of my life!
As you all feel lead please pray for wisdom. Diligence in our paperwork, so we can bring little David home as quickly as possible, and for the Lord to provide financially for us! I greatly appreciate you all journeying with me thus far, and hope you will journey the rest of the way to China and back! Here is for hoping for a December Travel Date... Miracles happen!
Blessings to you all this evening!!
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