Dated: Feb 15, 2014
A little back story for those of you just reading this blog:
A little back story for those of you just reading this blog:
David entered our lives on January 27th. My birthday of all days. He was the first file that we got to look at after our preliminary call to Great Wall(GWCA). I hesitantly sent them an email on the 26th of January asking if China ever makes exceptions to their requirements...and they quickly got back in touch with us the next day.
After a long conversation with Jesse (she's cool, and works at GWCA), she referred David to us. I logged onto their website to see his profile, and his little face, cubby cheeks, and mischievous smile melted my heart. I had an instant little boy crush. We talked through the basic information that Jesse had on David. Some of the initial "criteria" we requested for a child we would be adopting, David didn't meet.
Despite the unknown, and the fact that his issue was outside of our prelimary "shopping list" of needs we would take, I was kind of instantly in love.
We pursued our exemption paperwork and submitted it to China on a Thursday. We were told this exemption is not one they usually grant, but we can always try. We were told it might take some time to hear back from China. We were praying that there would be a clear answer with whether or not we should be pursuing China and abandoning the Ukraine(they are politically not in a good spot and our ability to travel was looking pretty slim)…
Just 3 days later, on Monday, I got the email that our exemption had been granted, and we could pursue getting David’s full file. We received his full file later on Monday. I couldn’t wait to open it up and read all about his life. I couldn’t wait to see pictures of him.
And there it was. 6 pages…6 whole pages. The four and ½ years of his life fit in 6 pages. On paper he was nothing more than basic check boxes, and stats. Tasks he could and couldn’t complete, procedures he had done, and how his immunization record was.
I read through the medical reports, hoping some lighting bolt of heaven would come down and make sense out of everything I was reading…that everything would appear as though it had resolved and was all better. After all, we felt lead toward a special needs adoption, but we really weren’t open to too many special needs… Just minor correctable ones please..
I read through the file hopeful. I kept hoping to find that magic bullet that would say some of his really unsettling conditions had self-resolved. Could it have happened, sure! Did it happen, we have no idea. In fact, when it boils down to it, we really don’t know anything about him.
We have a 2-year-old medical report that is bleak and poorly filled in, and we are supposed to use that to make our decision. Eagerly I sent the report to various different doctor friends. Some were more helpful than others, but their recurring them was that the report really didn’t tell us too much. And then we got the phone call, from my poor brother, no less.
He had a friend who was willing to look at it, and gave him a call to tell him all about it when he was done. My brother was then left in the unfortunate position to deliver the news to us…
The scary report came, insert a busted hope-filled blissful bubble here and lots of tears. We were told of all the horrors of what life could be like for us with David. Now, I am left pondering, as it is past midnight, and I cannot sleep, how are we supposed to process this information?
I want guarantees. Even though I can sit here and say, "I am okay with uncertainty, I am okay with not knowing, I am okay with no guarantees," in all reality, I am not. In my head I am okay with it and I know I need to be okay with it, but my heart hasn’t rested in that yet.. I want to know. And it seems the more supposed “information” we get, the more I want. It is a fuel to a burning fire of control, and self-sufficiency, and a stifling of growing faith.
The line between "stewardship" and control freak is growing dimmer by the minute. We want to “know” as much as possible to be prepared to bring him home if the Lord sees fit, but we don’t want to be analyzing all of this as a pass/fail for David in the contest of whether or not he is worthy to be call our beloved son.
And then I come back to 6 pages. 6 pages. That doctor looked at the same 6 pages of vague information that the other doctors did, that I did, and he saw the potential for disaster for us in parenting him. But what about the potential of life for David?
The Lord looks for our beauty. He has loved us for a thousand years, and will love us for thousands more. He loves without fear, without consequence, without what he will get in return. He loves perfectly. I do not. I cannot even walk like Jesus for a second let alone a lifetime, but I want to.
I want to love David as Jesus loved him. I want to love him without fear, without hope of return, without requirement. I want to love him and accept him as Jesus loved and accepted me. I didn’t have to fill out medical reports and answer questions about my development to be welcomed into the family of God; I was just welcomed with open arms.
I want to love David that way. I want to dwell on all the beauty he will bring, instead of the trial. I want to Love him and be concerned about him more than I am concerned about myself.
I want to dwell on the amazing potential David has. Amazing potential to become/do something great. Amazing potential to suffer, love, be loved, be challenged, changed and change us. At what point in life we do accept the potential, rest in the uncertainty, and begin to bloom into who we were created to be? At what point do we throw out the "we will accept this, but not that" when hoping for a child..?
This is hard. To love when you are afraid is really hard. I need my doubt to go away, and the Lord to show my heart peace and assurance in the circumstance. The face of David is imprinted in my heart. When I close my eyes at night I see him. I imagine him with our boys, and just want to hold him and love him for a thousand years… But oh the fear. It is real, it is terrifying, paralyzing, stifling. Lord Jesus please show us the way.
I’m struggling through, would love encouragement.
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