How are we doing?
This is a question we get a lot these days, along with "how is the adoption going?
We are struggling, and it is frustrating and hard. In fact, most of life right now is frustrating and hard, and we are struggling.
I wish I could tell you we were riding on the mountain top of the divine "yes," but we aren't. Life, or shall I say, chaos has taken hold, and it has been a wild ride.
Managing working extra full time hours, while finalizing paperwork for the adoption, dealing with Jonathan traveling, our 2 boys at home (who are very cute, but a handful,) and trying to keep a handle on where I left my sanity last...one could argue, I have too full of a plate right now. I am forgetting things I would never normally forget, completely sleep deprived, struggling with keeping my patience, and have times where I don't even recognize myself with things I am saying, or thoughts that are running through my head.
For those of you who are all caught up on our story, this seems to be a common thread for us. We tend to need the hidden "scary" facts to remain hidden in order to lure us to a place we would never go if we had had the full knowledge. I don't admit that proudly, as I think it speaks volumes to the comfort driven nature I have. The ultimate lurking desire, that life would just be "easy" is a struggle, and if faced with the full extent of turmoil from the start, I would inevitably say "no."
My paid job right now consists of lots of figurative "tourniquets" being placed. Each day there seems to be a new area that needs immediate attention. The work has been exhausting, as it is never put to rest. No matter how many hours I put in, my tasks are never complete, and I find it dis-heartening. I really struggle when we can't "fix" a problem quickly...and none of the problems can be fixed quickly. I need to be able to check things of the list, or I start to feel useless.. so I am feeling overwhelmed, over-worked, and like I am not making progress with my job duties...
Withe the redoing of paperwork, and seeming circles we are in with the dossier submission, it kind of feels we aren't making progress...
Jonathan's travel and work schedule have been pretty intense lately... This has left me as a full time mommy, lots of weeks by myself...full time paperwork filler outer, and full time working lady... and none of it seems to be going well... so I feel like no progress is happening..
I know this is starting to sound like a pathetic complaining post, but it is where I am.. so just deal with it for a few more paragraphs and then I will move on, I promise. :)
We have also had lots of fund surprises... like getting to redo paperwork we already did, notarized, etc, because of updated forms for the Chinese government. This has just been the icing on-top of the frustration cupcake. The only thing I love more than getting documents notarized, is getting the same docutment notarized more than once... I attempt to continuously remind myself to "choose" joy. The repeating of tasks isn't useless if we are doing it with the right heart and learning more about ourselves while we do it, but some days I struggle, and I just want to scream at someone about having to re-do forms we have already completed and submitted 4 months ago that they are just now getting around to checking... and oh by the way, now you need to re-do them.... as you can tell, I am struggling with choosing joy...
Bottom line.
I am overwhelmed with life.
It isn't new to be overwhelmed, but I have to admit this is the first time I have felt this way, and really didn't see an "end" to the phase we were in. This isn't a season for us, this just is life right now, and the next forseeable season is far more intense then this one, and that my friends, that is terrifying.
The frustration I feel about repeating paperwork, unfinishable tasks, not enough hours in the day, playing single mommy...is only going to increase as our family expands in an amazingly beautiful way, but I am terrified of the impending chaos.
Just to clear up some questions that may be looming in the backs of your minds... I am still 100% sure we are supposed to adopt our precious little guy (he was so our son from the first day we saw him), still 100% sure I was supposed to take my job, I am just 100% sure that Jesus is going to be necessary every minute of every day, or this is going to be a horrific mess...
I know that the Lord is using this time to sanctify us, and to prepare us for all the changes coming our way... but there are many days where I sit and confess that if this much sanctification is needed as "prep," I kind of don't even want to think about what our family is going to encounter moving forward... I think I will just stay in bed and hide with the covers over my head...
I had a wonderful friend remind me that just b/c we are experiencing chaos now, doesn't mean we are heading for more chaos, in fact it might be the Lord paving the way for the transition to appear as though it was easy... While this is a beautiful optimistic thought... I am negative, and I would love to look at what lies ahead with that heart, but I struggle to see past the doom and weeping and gnashing of teeth that comes to mind.
None of this is to say we aren't super excited about bringing David home, it is just a confession that I am really scared of "more" of anything right now. I feel like I just can't take it. The Lord's timing is always perfect. I know that whenever we get the green light, He will prepare us and get us truly ready for our son to come home, but we don't have the green light right now, and I am looking at this very humanly, and I am feeling overwhelmed..
For those of you who read all the way to the bottom, thank you! Please be praying for us. We really need extra grace, and His strength to make it through our days... And for those of you wondering about when we think we will be bringing out son home, we still don't know. We are hoping that it will be early in the new year, but our dossier hasn't been logged yet, so they still cannot give us an estimate.
Hope you all are having a splendid evening! :)
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